The D Word

After the C word, now here comes the D word.. and hopefully I wouldn't have to blog every alphabet from here on. Anyway, this D word, in my own definition, stands for Depression. My writing was inspired by the sharing of my good friend HT-kun the other day. He just broke-up from his girlfriend last week and is going through a tough depression time. He shared that the main reason he's feeling depressed is because he has his girlfriend in his future plan and now that she's no longer in his life, he doesn't really know what to do next.

The story somewhat hits close home to me. Once upon a time (it feels like a loooong time ago, while in reality it's only 3 years+ ago), I actually got into depression for the very first time in my life. I didn't know it then, but looking back and after reading some books recently I realized that I was actually in deep depression. Things that I used to always enjoy were no longer enjoyable to me.. I lost my interest to do many things that I like doing.. lost my appetite (which is a big thing considering how I appreciate good yummy food), lost my weight about 5 kgs my mom was so shocked when she saw me that she made sure the very first few days at home I ate 6x a day. Home food and my family love did the cure a bit, but it was not enough to reach the depth of my sorrow. I felt as if I didn't know myself anymore and there was just this hollow inside me.. I couldn't pray and nor could I cry. It was truly the darkest night of my soul.

This happened during the second year of my stay in Japan. I was living alone for the first time in my life, working alone in a foreign place whose language I don't speak nor understand, plus with the new situation my work demand changed a lot and gave me lots of stress. In addition, I found that life in this country called Japan is so material-oriented and relationships between people are pretty cold. So it was during this time of loneliness that I fell in love hard with the wrong person, betrayed by a friend and received the news of the death of my dearest uncle.

My uncle was suffering from liver cancer and we knew it was serious, but I was planning to go back to Indonesia in about 2 months to tell him about Jesus face-to-face and offer Him God's salvation. His death shook me and my faith so hard.. how could God not give me the chance to save my uncle... and all at the same time, how could this Christian guy who seems to be the perfect one for me, yet some things are just not sitting right. I thought I've finally found the one and I had all my future dream filled with this guy, yet some of his behaviours are against values that I strongly held unto. And even yet, I found myself ready to compromise and let go of my values. It was like all the foundation of my life is shaken to the bits.

It took a long one year time, to rediscover myself slowly, at times I actually thought I would never be able to return to the me that I've always known. But I did. Time really heals. And it is true what the Bible says, there may be weepings at night, but joy comes in the morning. Along the way, I found the answer to my questions. God knows what's best for my uncle. The pain one suffers from cancer is beyond my imagination. Later on I heard that my uncle occassionally was just screaming at night from the pain he felt and all the while his wife and mother were often fighting while he was laying on bed helplessly. As for the salvation issue, I had one chance of talking to him on the phone and I told him about God and about praying to Him and he was really open to that. I heard also that he had a pastor from a nearby church coming to visit him too. So, I believe that my uncle is with the Lord now.

It took much longer for me to get over the unhealthy relationship, but I'm truly truly glad that it's over once and for all. That chapter of my life is closed and at the least I learnt the things that I want to have in my partner and what I should avoid. And I learnt that I am complete in God and I don't need anyone to complete me.

Depression is ugly. Although I had a talk with my pastors, I wish there was a Christian woman counsellor I could also talk to during that time. My experience enables me to understand what people are going through when they are in depression and to advise them to seek counselling and medication help. Sometimes counselling only is not enough. Medication might be needed to help us have a good rest and feel better. Otherwise, it would be just a vicious cycle..

True characters and faith come out in times of crisis and testing. It is easy to praise God when things go well. But when all things go wrong, it is very hard to be still and trust God completely and then still be able to say that He is good. Problems don't last always; God's deliverance will come eventually. It's just that it is necessary to go through them so that we grow once again. But then of course if you ask me, I would rather not to go through that again. Please Lord, just once is more than enough.

"Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth." [Psalm 46:10]

http://jp.youtube.com/watch?v=Mgob5afanUg